Uncertain

The word of the moment

Well it has been “a minute” as the saying goes. My word of the month is uncertainty. There are people dying of starvation in Gaza, a most unstable man is at the helm of our country, and there is an ongoing war in Ukraine that is wearing the people there down daily. Here I am in Seattle going about my little life and writing about it, drinking expensive coffee, picking up my blood pressure medication and folding laundry as if everything is OK. The thing is nothing is OK by any standards.

My personal life is in a place of uncertainty as I am still waiting for my appointment with a reconstructive surgeon in about two weeks. Then I will have to decide on a procedure to go forward with and find out how much I will be on the hook for financially. It’s surreal to be walking around with a cancerous tumor in my body while I go about the mundane tasks of my life.

I feel worn down by the daily “Hair on fire” emails from Act Blue, the Democratic Party, and miscellaneous democrats asking for money that I don’t have, primarily because of the stock market manipulation by Trump and his tariffs. It’s not their fault that we are in this mess but it’s tough making decisions with so much in flux.

Many weeks ago I said I was not going to allow Trump to hijack my mental health. It’s a struggle but I am holding on. I am doing the things that I know reduce stress in my life. Sometimes that means checking out and taking a break from the news because it all seems to be bad. This evening I was meditating and I fell asleep. that’s a common problem with meditation for me I get so relaxed that I check out. Still my stress lower, far lower in fact, than it was when I was working as an oncology nurse 40 plus hours a week. I continue to read, take walks, meditate and attempt to sleep enough hours every night, and write. writing everyday is my lifeline.

I am attempting to curate the life I want to have. Surround myself with people who support me and stay away from the people who are “crazy makers” to borrow a term from Julia Cameron. I had a long discussion with one of my sisters the other day about clutter. I am working on getting it out of my home. She kept saying I can’t possibly have too much clutter because my place is so small. We went in circles because my condo is so small it becomes cluttered very easily. She just wouldn’t believe me. Even Barbies Dream house can become cluttered if she buys one too many fabulous outfits and her house is pretty small. It is not only possible not is a fact. I have too much stuff. it’s going to require a lot of trips to Goodwill to make my home less “crazy making” Of all my “problems” clutter and having to many belongings is a good problem to have.

In some ways I feel like I have gotten off easy. My cancer is tiny, 11 mm, my treatment is not going to be to difficult and I will likely live to be 95 if I believe the actuary tables, its a kind of survivors guilt that I have.

I am still grieving the death go Andrea Gibson. I did not know them but I knew their work and it was wonderful. At least I can read their work and I look forward to seeing the film that was made about their life. Death is common we all have to do it, we all get to do it because we got to be born.

Time to eat some strawberries and go to bed. Good night and bless you all.